Joy's Journey in Weightloss

Still On Track!

2009-02-19T23:48:00.000-08:00

Here is a quick update...I am still doing fine. This is day three of no sugar and I am okay. I am really stressed about work and I am excited that I am not making an excuse to throw out what is most important to me. I am going to weigh on Tuesdays and post the weight regularly. So far, I am losing. I am eating enough fruit to help me not feel too deprived (we all know what happens if I go down that road!!). I may let myself have a bit of diet coke or a sugar free mocha every now and then. Still have the headache, but that is more of a stress problem. This weekend, I am going to get on my elliptical and crank the itunes. I look forward to leaving that stress on the elliptical, instead of on my thighs. That is how I have to look at this. I am not going to let it take over. Where do you leave your stress?

Must Be Working

2009-02-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

I am doing well on my three guidelines. I have been off of refined sugar for two days. I am also back off of Diet Coke and Starbucks. The intense caffeine headache proves that my body just can't deal with this stuff. I forget how terrible I feel for about two weeks getting off of the toxic junk that ruled my world. I feel down, anxious and restless. Exactly like a junkie off the junk! Must be working!

Getting it Together!

2009-02-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

I had a really good eating day today. It is my first day of sugar free eating after my sugarific Valentine's day. I ate a box of See's candy in two days! Houston, we have a problem!!!!!!!!!! I ate well and did not feel deprived today. I really want to get my act together and today is the first step. As always, sleep is a key factor. I am putting together some rules for myself. Maybe the term "rules" is not good. Guidelines? Part of why I am staying up too late is if I sit down after dinner and don't do the dishes, I will procrastinate until it is very late because I get involved with other projects. Also, I wake up after 11:00. It is a peak time for me creatively. So, here are this week's health guidelines"
*Clean kitchen right after dinner
*Take a Melatonin tablet after dinner
*Turn off computer by 8:00

I purposely did not put food restrictions on my weekly guidelines. I am looking at behavior guidelines that will facilitate my energy for exercise etc.

My other goal is to lose enough weight in 13 months to be able to fly on a airplane without having a anxiety attack. I have zero fear of flying. I have traveled extensively and worked in 30 states. I have been to the Dallas Fort Worth Airport 30 times! No, my anxiety is all about needing the seat belt extender. One time, I lied and said that I was pregnant. The last trip, I just asked for one. It was humiliating!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, I am going on a fun trip with the family and I will not need a seat belt extender! I think that is a do able goal!

It's Official!

2009-02-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

I have gained all of the weight I have lost. I am so ticked at myself. I never usually get after myself when I gain, but now I am so irritated that I had to go all or nothing again. I went out of my way to over eat. I have to put away this childish notion that this actually works well for me. It may have served me in the past, but I have to put this concept away. How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong?

Almost...

2009-02-02T21:05:00.000-08:00

I had a great plan today! I had:
organic fruit and nuts for breakfast
veggie spinach salad with a great
sugar free dressing and smoothie (w/ super greens and protein powder) for lunch,
hummus and carrots for snack
skinless chicken breast w/ veggies for dinner
fruit juice for snack
I also ate two clif nectar bars as snack. I was okay with that thinking that I was having a transition day. I enjoyed my food! I was having a good eating day.

Then...I realized that I had part of a chocolate bar in my purse. I got my shoes on and went to the garage to dig out the bar. I ate that, then, ate chips and salsa, then two rounds of cereal with HANDFULS of brown sugar. Had I abstained from the chocolate, I would have been just fine today. One day into avoiding sugar.

On the plus side, I am happy with my spinach salad. I am all ready to add chicken to it tomorrow. I am loving my homemade dressing. My mornings are going well. the sugar just haunts me. I got so excited about the rouge chocolate, that I forgot about my exercise plan. I don't have any more chocolate in the house and I need to get rid of that brown sugar. I am easing back into this. I am happy with the first half of the day!

All or Nothing

2009-02-01T23:19:00.000-08:00

I have gained most of my weight back with my all or nothing way of being. I am eating sugar like it is the last granule I will ever consume. It is just crazy! I just have a block with this whole deal. Thank you to Pubsgal and Miz Fit who are not ready to give up on me. I am not going to give up. I am just in a quandary...I know that I can't tolerate sugar for two important reasons:
1. It is deadly for my PCOS and shuts down my endocrine system
2. I have a serious addiction to sugar and can't control myself, not unlike an alcoholic.

So, my question is...do I start the no sugar at all way of eating again, or do I use it in moderation? I don't seem to be able to use it in moderation. If I feel deprived, then it spirals down to deprivation prevention.

In this time of upheaval, I have been consulting my recipe books, journaling, making a work book and stocking up on really delicious, healthy food. My new approach is to eat very delicious food that is exceptionally healthy. Eating healthy. Nothing more, except exercise. Still working it all out.

Still Not a Clue!

2009-01-26T22:37:00.000-08:00

Noting new to report. I am still unsettled and uncentered. I am doing nothing to move forward. I can't seem to get out of my own vicious circle. More when I get it together!!!

A Year From Now

2009-01-11T17:09:00.001-08:00

I did not made a New Year's resolution because they never stick for me. Birthday to birthday goals seem more interesting. My question is what kind of person do I want to be a year from now? Do I want to be a fit person? Do I want to be an organized person? This seemingly never ending sugar binge has me questioning my resolve. Should I totally eliminate sugar, and have monthly treats, yearly treats or no treats at all? Should I just go back on Weight Watchers and eliminate sugar as much as possible, eating only quality foods? I really am stuck. When I am so restricted, I totally flip out and start a rebellion. The problem is that I can't handle sugar, just like any addict. What to do...Yesterday was my birthday and my next year's gift to myself will be a healthier me who is fit for life. The blog says it is a journey. I wonder what is next on the path?! What do you think?

I'm Free...Free Fallin!

2009-01-08T18:01:00.000-08:00

Still nothing good to report. Still eating sugar and still eating way too much of it. It is like I will never eat sugar again. I think that by the time I went off of my no sugar way of life, I was eating so much fruit and agave that it just did not matter. Going back to no sugar with the bars and agave syrup ice cream is not the answer. The calories are basically the same and it is just natural sugar. I need a detox plan. I have downloaded my ebooks and made a handbook for myself and am getting back to basics. I have a birthday on Sunday and a long girl's weekend over MLK weekend. I don't want to set myself up for failure until all of that is over. I know what you are thinking...make that your birthday gift to yourself! Be sugar free. I thought of that. I just don't think I am there. I have a lot to sort out. My body certainly feels much stiffer than usual. I am just a mess. I will figure it out, though. Thanks for all of your wise words. I am listening to everything you write!

Seriously...?

2009-01-02T23:06:00.001-08:00

I am still flittering around, eating sugar and finding excuses to not get a plan. Tonight, I at a pint of ice cream but that was not enough sugar for me. I had no other sugar in the house, so I got creative! I remembered that a friend had given my daughter a pumpkin filled with Halloween candy and it was rattling around in the back of my car in a tote bag. I got up from my cozy home and went to the garage to find this pumpkin, not even knowing what I would find. I brought it in and cracked it open. I don't really even like these candies, other than the chocolate. I ate several Starbursts and went nuts from there. If I ever start to wonder if I have a sugar addiction problem, I hope one of you will remind me about this ridiculous post.

If You Fail to Plan, Ya Plan to Fail!

2009-01-01T01:06:00.001-08:00

I thought I was over the sugar, but apparently not! It is all about organization. I do not have adequate alternative food in the house, I still have stuff to organize to clear my brain, and I still am on my forbidden tour of foods! I am not there yet. Will be. For sure.

Happy New Year!

Transition

2008-12-27T08:29:00.000-08:00

Weight update after sugarpolooza-the same at 288. I consulted with David Vanadia, my sugar free mentor, at http://www.vanadia.com/stopbeingsweet
and he suggested that to ease back into sugar free life, I should use borderline foods (Any sugar free food that does not make me binge) and start there. I had a really successful day. I did not feel deprived, but I did feel much more in control. I have almost given all of my sugary treats away did not want to eat my delish caramels. I am not worried yet about hidden sugars and over doing agave during this transition. I am happy to report that I went to bed at 9:15 and got up at 8:15 for some really good sleep. That in turn, makes me want to get on my elliptical and rock it! I also took my vitamins. I have such an appreciation for the way I felt off of sugar. Now, I need to get serious about how much I use agave and fruit. I also need to get serious about exercise for health and also to get more results for my efforts. Here is my plan (after the transition) for phase two.
*use the resource of mizfit and other exercise to implement a plan for regular exercise
*only use agave or larabars for once in a while treats
*remove non sugar trigger foods like those Gladfood popcorn nuggets
*use melatonin after I eat dinner to start the process of being tired and going to bed no later than 11:30 (striving for 10)
*vitamins
*make lunch at home to save money and eat better at least 4 days a week
*organic when possible
*cage free foods
*eat at home more for better quality of food
*clean the kitchen right after dinner instead of procrastinating so I stay up later
*slowly remove white bread products like pizza dough etc.
*journal
*read more at night
That is enough for now! What are you adding or taking away from your plan?

I Am Over It!

2008-12-26T00:08:00.000-08:00

I will officially put the Sugarpolooza to bed as I hit the pillow tonight. I am SICK of sugar and let me tell you, I do not feel well. I have shortness of breath, every time I eat some sugar, my chest feels tight, and I ache. My sugar overload was excessive and I sure feel the effects. In the morning, I will put a plan together for phase two! I seriously can't wait. If this "experience" has taught be anything, it is that I want a different quality of life. I want a vibrant and energetic life. On sugar, I have anxiety. I worry when I am on sugar. I worry that I will die in the middle of the night and leave my child motherless. These days on sugar had me worrying about that all of the time. Ironically, my daughter and I were in an accident this past week, when a car ran his stop sign and hit us as we travelled down the road. We are okay. Clearly, this is not my time to die. I have way too much to do. I can either spend my time worrying or I can lose the weight and be a vivacious person who is living life.

Caramel Crack

2008-12-23T16:37:00.000-08:00

Last night at 2:00 in the morning, I decided that I would make homemade caramels. I told myself that I was doing it that late because I did not want my five year old around the hot sugar mixure on the stove. That was one factor, but mostly, I wanted to stay up and make more sugar. Because I am on vacation, I switch into the late night mode that I crave. The caramels came out fabulously! I did not stop there. I bought caramel ice cream, and drank caramel mochas. I mixed in a bit of sugar cookie dough in between eating the caramel. Right now, I never want to eat sugar again, yet, in a few minutes, I will be going to the fridge and scoop out some chilled sugar cookie dough. So, here are some of the side effects from all of this junk:
*weight gain-that's an understatement
*anxiety
*I can't bound up the stairs like usual, without my heart pounding
*I look terrible
*I have dark circles and splotchy skin
*I am weak and tired
*My tongue is sour and overwhelmed
*I am stiff when I first wake up.
I will be happy to get off of this craptastic plan on Friday. Even though I have these reactions, I think it will remind me why I am not using sugar anymore. I think I will be much more motivated for my next phase.

Tour of Forbidden Foods

2008-12-20T01:27:00.000-08:00

Here is a sugarpolooza update:

I can't believe how different I feel. I wake up walking like an 80 year old man. I am stiff and my tongue feels likes I have assaulted it with sugar sand paper. It is like a sour, sugar burn. My mouth is sour and sugar is too sweet. The more sugar I eat, the more desensitized my tongue becomes. I have gained five lbs in a short time. I don't pop up off the sofa easily. I have more anxiety on sugar. I worry about things that I have not worried about for 141 days.

I think that I have noticed enough difference, that when I detox, I will have a renewed purpose that was not there before. I want to move to a phase two:
regular exercise
only "use"agave or fruit bars once a week
lay off white bread type stuff except for once a week
exercise

I will have a heck of a detox coming up! I actually can't wait to get going again. That is CRAZY coming from me. I still don't care much about chocolate now and that never would have come out of my mouth. Right now, I am shoving chocolate in my mouth way past the point of even wanting it.

I am taking a "tour of forbidden foods" between now and the 26th. I love teriyaki chicken and want to have that. I had Thai (which is so sugared up). I wanted the Starbucks salted caramel hot chocolate and I have had three times. Why did I need to get the HUGE size all three times? What else should I eat between now and Christmas??!?

I am certainly learning a lot about this whole process. I feel out of control and worry about the detox. I think I needed to go through this so I can finally "get it" that this needs to be a way of life for me. When I have had this stuff, it has been "no big whoop," except for chocolate chip cookie dough. That stuff is like crack. The other foods so far have been no big deal. What foods do you build up to be better than they actually are when you finally eat it? What foods are your "crack?"

Sugar, Sugar, and Then More Sugar!

2008-12-17T21:32:00.000-08:00

After my alphabet cookies, I decided to "let it rip" as far as eating sugar. I started off my day with pancakes, continued with chocolate pudding, a ton of cookie dough and about ten cookies. My tongue had the weirdest, sour taste on it all day. I felt achy and anxious. Just a few minutes ago, I ate more dough. I really did not want it, but I ate it anyway. Here is some wisdom from my super sugar day:
1.I built up sugar to be amazing. The alphabet cookies were "no woop."
2.Chocolate chip cookie dough is incredible and I can't handle it.
3.I feel better emotionally when I am in more control. I don't know how I am going to handle sugar between now and Christmas.
4.It was not worth it.
5.My weight will be up tomorrow
Maybe this was a great learning experience. I think this will help me in my next phase. I feel like I am in limbo right now. Hmmmmmmm what next?

Cabin Fever Leads to Early Sugarpolooza!

2008-12-15T22:09:00.000-08:00

Never in a million years would I think I would ruin my sugar abstinence with kid alphabet cookies! Let me start at the beginning of my spiral down to the dark side of my sugar addiction. I have been stuck inside the house because we have had snow for three days. This is not typical for my location here in the Northwest. I am looking at four more days inside. I LOVE snow days, but I get very antsy. I am constantly checking to see if the next day will be a snow day. I have run out of my sugar substitutes because I stress ate them all. It was almost like I was hoarding them. I ate three Larabars in one day. Since all of my "acceptable" treats were gone and I could not get out to buy more, I started pacing around getting more and more unsettled. I did not eat my meals at regular times, which lead to uncontrollable stupid snacking like tortillas with melted butter.

I was watching the Food Network and it was constant cookie making. I decided that I would start my "sugarpolooza" early and bake cookies with my daughter. My plan would be to add to our already Christmasy snow day! I have absolutely no ingredients for cookies in my house. I do not even have one granule of sugar. I could not drive to the store, but had two ideas...my Dad could drive over the ingredients over if he was going to Starbucks for a latte. There was no way he was getting off of his hill, latte or not. My best friend had studs on her tires and was going to pop over with some ingredients. The roads were even too icy for her tires. I had my heart set on that batter...I had waited 141 days after all! I was almost prepared to brave the ice and walk down the street to my neighbors for some brown sugar and baking soda. It was serious ice and I decided to get a clue. So, "Operation Cookie Dough" was a failure. You would think I would celebrate the close call. Nope. I found some of my daughter's Newman's Organic alphabet cookies (that we handled when we made words) and ate the rest of the package. They were not very good or satisfying. It did not cure my need for the batter. I wonder what tomorrow will hold for my cabin fever. What I know for sure is:
* I am so far from kicking this addiction to sugar
* I am using fruit and corn as my sugar and that has to stop
* It is going to be much more difficult to get back on track on Jan.26

The plus to my snow days is that I am having a ball with my daughter. She is beating me on our match game. We have played kitchen, dolls, and read Christmas stories. I guess the world won't end if I bake cookies tomorrow.

Joy

Sugar the New Heroin

2008-12-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

Study Suggests Sugar May Be Addictive
Finding might yield new insights into eating disorders, experts say
By Amanda Gardner, HealthDay Reporter

WEDNESDAY, Dec. 10 (HealthDay News) -- Science is verifying what many overeaters have suspected for a long time: sugar can be addictive.

In fact, the sweetener seems to prompt the same chemical changes in the brain seen in people who abuse drugs such as cocaine and heroin.

The findings were to be presented Wednesday at the American College of Neuropsychopharmacology's annual meeting, in Nashville.

"Our evidence from an animal model suggests that bingeing on sugar can act in the brain in ways very similar to drugs of abuse," lead researcher Bart Hoebel, a professor of psychology at Princeton University, said during a Dec. 4 teleconference.

"Drinking large amounts of sugar water when hungry can cause behavioral changes and even neurochemical changes in the brain which resemble changes that are produced when animals or people take substances of abuse. These animals show signs of withdrawal and even long-lasting effects that might resemble craving," he said.

Dr. Louis Aronne, director of the Comprehensive Weight Control Program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York City, added: "The big question has been whether it's just a behavioral thing or is it a metabolic chemical thing, and evidence like this supports the idea that something chemical is going on."

A "sugar addiction" may even act as a "gateway" to later abuse of drugs such as alcohol, Hoebel said.

The stages of addiction, as defined by the American Psychiatric Association, include bingeing, withdrawal and craving.

For the new research, rats were denied food for 12 hours a day, then were given access to food and sugar (25 percent glucose and 10 percent sucrose, similar to a soft drink) for 12 hours a day, for three to four weeks.

The bingeing released a surge of the neurotransmitter dopamine each time in the part of the brain involved in reward, the nucleus accumbens. "It's been known that drugs of abuse release or increase the levels of dopamine in that part of the brain," Hoebel said.

But it wasn't only the sugar that caused this effect, Hoebel explained -- it was the sugar combined with the alternating schedule of deprivation and largesse. After three weeks, the rats showed signs of withdrawal similar to those seen when people stop smoking or drinking alcohol or using morphine.

The scientists next blocked the animals' brain endorphins and found withdrawal symptoms, anxiety, behavioral depression and a drop in dopamine levels. In other words, they confirmed a neurochemical link with the rats' behavior.

But longer periods of abstinence didn't "cure" the rats. Instead, there were long-lasting effects with the animals: They ingested more sugar than before, as if they were craving the substance and, without sugar, they drank more alcohol.

The researchers speculated that some of these brain changes may also occur in people with eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia, although more research needs to be done to confirm the effects in humans.

"Some say it's easy to lose weight -- you just have to shut your mouth, stop eating so much," Aronne said. "I tell them a good way to overcome global warming is if people made less carbon dioxide by breathing less. Obviously, that's absurd. You can't do it because you feel uncomfortable.

"The same thing is true of eating," he added. "Fattening food has an impact on the regulating mechanism that breaks down your sense of fullness, makes you feel an urge to go back and get that blast of sugar and this creates the vicious cycle of weight gain that we're going through."

Un Glad Corn

2008-12-06T19:13:00.000-08:00

I never thought in a million years that I would be abusing corn. Sugar, you betcha! Corn, really? I have never been a chip person. I don't really like potato chips or fries for that matter. I have never purchased a bag of Frito's in my life. Not only am I eating Frito's and corn chips, I have been eating something called "Gladcorn." The Gladcorn is what is making me the most unglad (is that a word?). Gladcorn is like the almost popped corn that you get in your bowl. There is enough of the popped part to make it crunchy and satisfying. Like a good corn nut but better. They were sampling it at the local health food store. It was delish and I got a bag. I kept getting bags, along with chips and Frito's. Just 1/3 of a cup is 140 calories. There are 12 servings in a bag. I have EASILY eaten a half a back several times lately. That is 840 calories. I am having the same reaction to corn as I did sugar. The reason is that corn is basically sugar. Same, same, same!

What is also the same is that I have slacked on the exercise. I did it a few lame attempts, but I am seriously too tired. I am still getting about 5 hours a night. I just have so much on my mind, that I cannot turn my brain off. I realize that it is a vicious circle. I am still off of sugar and let me tell, it has been difficult in the sweetest month of the year. My "Sugarpalooza" rules have been broken in the exercise department. I just have to get a handle on my sleep. Do I need to take some kind of sleeping pill as soon as I get home from school so I will go to bed at a reasonable time?!

I have to get this together!

Joy

P.S.

Pubsgirl wanted to know who my experts were on the no sugar life. Two favs are:
http://www.vanadia.com/stopbeingsweet/about/
http://www.firstourselves.com/first_ourselves/product_ebook-how-to-give-up-sugar_shortform.html

Sugarpalooza Rules!

2008-12-01T23:36:00.000-08:00

So, I have gotten out of my funk of same, same, same. I am now preparing for my yearly "Sugarpalooza." Just what is the Sugarpalooza? According to my wise sugar free mentors, they say that they are successful if once a year (some do it more often), they plan on eating sugar for foursih days. My time for sugar will be Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I may go a day earlier but I would like not to because I don't want the withdrawals to be hellish. Here is my training plan to work up to the Sugarpalooza...

December 1-23rd I have to exercise every day. I did it today and I felt great!
I had not exercised since I started this sugar free way of life. I think doing this to work up to having my sugar will get me into the pattern of doing it for the next phase of my health goals.

I have to make my own healthy lunch each day instead of skipping it and going to get some junk (sugar free of course...there IS junk that is sugar free-trust me!)

So far I have stuck to the sugarpalooza rules. It is day one, but I am confident. I did not even have one morsel of pumpkin pie, cake or anything on Thanksgiving that contained sugar. I really did not miss it.

This time of year normally puts me into a sugar coma. As someone who works in a school, we get goodies all month long. I come to work and find five or six plates of cookies on my desk. I am a bit scared of eating sugar because of my past experience. I am stronger now, I have proven to myself that I can do it and I feel better being in control of my sugar addiction.

My fun challenge is that my 48 hours is limited and so I will only indulge in the very best sugar treats. What are your suggestions????????????????

SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-19T21:01:00.001-08:00

I did not want to waste your time with filler when I have done NOTHING regarding my weightloss, sleep, or generally well being. I am actually very overwhelmed with most things right now. Luckily, I have not broken my no refined sugar promise and I am really proud of that. Day 115!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have lost 27lbs, but my SLOW weighloss has unmotivated me. I was feeling deprived with little result. Yes, I know...if I exercised, it would improve my mindset.

I think my deal is that I am not managing my stress from my job, and a single mom very well. By the time the evening rolls around, I am dog tired. I am running on about four hours sleep so I am a bit of a zombie. I have promised myself that over the Thanksgiving break for the four days, I would pull it together and kick in. Cripe, my laundry alone is kicking my butt right now. Ever had one of those months?

Thank you to my blog buds who have not given up on me. I appreciate your kind words. I know many people who have checked in and there was not update have moved on with good reason. I will keep going and I hope that I come out of this boring holding pattern.

Joy

Halloween-Sugar Free Style!

2008-10-31T22:27:00.000-07:00

Well, this Halloween is the first one without one single candy in my 42 year history. I can't say that I even care about the candy. I look at it like any other ordinary object, like a pencil. Last year, I at a ton. Ate all of the good candy out of my daughter's stash (she was too young to know the difference). I would stuff four or five "snack size" bars in my mouth in a sitting. My school had party after party this year with unbelievable treats. I did not have one single Halloween treat and I don't feel deprived. Mostly, it is because I am satisfied with my fruit or Larabars. The agave sweetened ice cream helps too much. Right now, I feel like I am in limbo land...between really kicking this thing out and stopping the abuse of fruit/bread, with just hanging here sitting with my progress so far. That is why it has taken me a a while to post. I am not experiencing much, in terms of progress. I have not exercised or lost more weights. If I am not careful, my "rogue" fruit/agave/white bread abuse will catch up with me and defeat my goal.

Pushing It!

2008-10-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

I was at the beach for a few days and did not have access to my scale. I was with about 14 people at a beautiful beach house. I brought my Larabars so I would not feel deprived when everyone else had sugary stuff. I had alternatives planned when the delish french toast breakfast was served. I read every snack package and did not even have the cool pretzle chips because they contained trace amounts of sugar. So...my scale should have been party time, right? Nope. I made up for the lack of sugar with lots of butter! Ate all of those Larabars, had extra servings of dinner and just generally over ate the whole time. I got on the scale this morning and I was up 3 lbs! What up??!? I know what is up-HELLO! The other situation is that I think I am getting my period. That is a huge miracle! I had not had one in years and I have had two in three months off of sugar. Maybe, instead of this bargaining, maybe I should dust off the darn eliptical and get moving. Okay-that is what I am doing tomorrow. I promise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hop Scotch

2008-10-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

My daughter and I were in the kitchen this morning and she was playing hopscotch on the ceramic tile floor. She wanted me to do it too. I thought, no prob! I am a playful mom! In my jammies, I hopscotched across the kitchen floor. All of a sudden, I heard a horrific sound! It was my fat flapping each time I jumped in my jammies in the squares. I am not sure that my daughter noticed, but it sure slowed down my hopscotch career. I had to play the visual in my head complete with sound effects. I am not one to ridicule myself for this weight, but this was gross! This fat is stopping me from being me. Have you ever had that kind of moment?

Maybe that moment will help me stop phoning in my goals. I did only two of the six. I did:
*cook something interesting
*stay sugar free

I did not:
*go to bed before 11:30
*clean up the kitchen before I relaxed
*computer off at 9
*take a tennis lesson

So, I am just going to add one thing-(other than no sugar and cook something interesting)
In bed by 12:00. If I can be successful with that, I can start to lower it.

Thanks again for your wise words!

Bliss

2008-10-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

Bliss. I have missed some food bliss since I have been sugar free. I did have an unbelievable cherry, peach and fresh corn this summer, but it was short of a blissful moment. Today...bliss! I found some unbelievable ice cream sweetened with Agave. It is organic and free trade. Did I mention is was DELISH! I had resolved the fact that I would not have ice cream. I can have it and this a great way to keep me going while not feeling deprived. I am doing better with my Starbucks Vivano. I do not have to have it and have forgotten about it with the colder weather. I am still a little to cozy to the Larabar.

Okay, I have been thinking about your wise words. Thank you, by the way for keeping me honest! I think that my plan is to do weekly plans. Next week I will:
*Be sugar free!
*Go to bed at 11:00 and be in bed by 11:30
*Clean up kitchen, do lunches, organize for the day before T.V.
*Computer off at 9:00
*Take a tennis lesson on Thursday
*Cook something interesting.

What is one of your goals this week?

Accountibility

2008-09-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Day 60 of the no sugar way of life came on September 28th. I am averaging 2 lbs a week (for around 25lbs). I have two lame scales that I will be returning. I stepped on the scale today and it read four different weights in four tries. I started this blog so that I could be accountable to myself and connect with fellow bloggers also on this road. I want to take a moment to thank you for your posts. I so appreciate the ones that do not let me off the hook! I love the connections and the warm words. You are incredibly inspiring to me. Thank you.

Let's see how September stacked up with my goals:

My goals for September were:
* I will lose 8 lbs
THIS GOAL WAS COMPLETED EVEN THOUGH HAD THAT GAIN
* I will go to bed no later than 11:15
NOPE-NOT EVEN CLOSE. I AM AVERAGING 12:45 BED TIME. RIDICULOUS! THIS IS HARDER THAT SUGAR ADDICTION?
* I will monitor my fruit intake so I do not start to crave fruit.
I AM MONITORING THIS AND I AM DOING BETTER, BUT I AM NOT OUT OF THE WOODS!
* I will get on the elliptical at least once a week. (I know that seems ridiculously easy, but I want to meet these goals and build on them.)
PLEASE, I NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT IT!

Considering that I reached only 25% of my goals, what goals do you think I should set for myself? Thoughts?

Doing the Limbo

2008-09-24T22:12:00.001-07:00

I feel like I am in limboland. I am still off of sugar, but I am not being careful with the rest of my diet, like I ate way too much pizza for dinner tonight. What is up with that? I guess in a twisted way, I feel like I am entitled to eat other non sugar foods late at night, when I am not hungry, and to stuff my emotion, because I deserve it. Why do I deserve it? Well, because I am giving up so much. I have not eaten a morsel of chocolate for almost 60 days. That should count for something! I should be able to coast to my ultimate weightloss goal. I think I am in the bargaining stage. I am giving up _____ so I should only have to do ______. The prob is that it is just not working for me. I gained last week, I stayed the same this week and I am still over doing my fruit Larabars. I seemed to be eating three a day now. I am not very well planned with my food. I am not getting enough sleep so that I can plan out my stuff. If I get more than 5 hours of sleep a night, I would have the energy to get centered with food and home. I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED EARLY! What is my problem? I am tired. I should just go the hell to bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I went to bed, I would fall asleep instantly. I see the late night as yet another "reward," if you will, for what I am giving up. I need to get a clue. HELP my wise bloggers!

Diet Coke

2008-09-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

I have been off of Diet Coke for several months now until today. I went to see the movie, The Women, and I forgot my contraband fruit juice. I decided to just have a Diet Coke. It was better than a sugary drink (except for the horrific chemicals). In the past, I would have taken having the Diet Coke and an excuse to go "all or nothing" on myself. Having it was such a non issue. It was a watered down version of Diet Coke and it did not open the flood gates of unhealthy eating. I won't have another one for a long time. I did not die because I had one. It is okay. I know it sounds ridiculous to go on about a can of diet soda. I am happy that I am starting to manage my all or nothing former way of being with food.

I had written in a post about my over doing of fruit and that appears to be over too. I think it did relate to PMS. Since I had not had a period for so long, I did not remember how much my cravings went bonkers.

My terrible scale is about ready to hit the trash. If I step on the scale with one foot, it is 282, if I step with the other foot, the scale says 287. Weird. I have no idea which one is correct. This week, I am going to either stop weighing except at a friend's house once a week, or just deal with my scale and keep watching the trend of weight loss forgetting about an actual number. What do you think?

Virtual Me

2008-09-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

Fat Girl's Weight Loss Blog has "My Virtual Model" and I did two versions of myself. It kind of looks like me. One at 282 -now and 129 which is what I think will be my goal weight. Do you keep your eye on the prize at the end, or do you not allow yourself to go beyond the next loss? What is the most productive and successful way to look at your progress? When I lost 70lbs with my insane meal replacement shake fiasco, I panicked when I got to the halfway point and gained it all back. So far, I am on track. If you have quite a bit to lose like me, how do you stay on track?

Body Reboot

2008-09-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

My body is out of whack! I had not had a period for over two years because of the huge quantities of sugar I was ingesting, and the fact that I have PCOS. I got my period a few weeks ago for the first time in two years and it came back today! That is nutty. My body is trying to get back to homeostasis. I think that is why I have been craving so much fruit sugar. My hormones are in shock and awe that they are not under sugar siege. I think my 1lb gain will be taken care of when my body chills. Maybe I won't need to freak about my fruit overload. Do you ever feel like your body needs to reboot?

.

Up a Pound and Happy!

2008-09-17T00:02:00.001-07:00

That might sound odd, but I am actually happy that I am up a pound on my weigh in day. It is a signal that I have been a little too reckless with my portions, Starbucks Vivanno's, and Larabars. The last two items are sugar free but sweetened by natural fruit. Since I have given up sugar, I have not limited whatever non sugar food (like pizza) I am eating. Lately, I am eating later in the evening, also. My body had been losing 2lbs a week without much effort besides not eating refined sugar. I could eat pizza, Larabars and Vivannos because I was still losing. My body is at a plateau. I can either keep eating this way and maybe lose occasionally, or I have to kick it up a notch. The jig is up, people! I feel like I am kind of addicted to the Larabars. I am having two a day as a sweet hit after meals. Vivanno's are $4.25 (with the green tea powder). My smoothy bill for the month would be 127.50. That is obsurd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually think I am going to need to get off of Larabars and Vivanno's. Isn't strange to have an addiction to fruit? I am going to work out this weekend, limit my Vivanno's and Larabars this week and slowly remove them from my diet unless I can miraclously have them like a normal person. I have a food plan for the week, so that helps. My meals have been pretty healthy. I am hoping my efforts will show on my scale next Tuesday. I will let you know! Onward!

Resources

2008-09-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

On Monday, it will 50 days since I have not had processed sugar. I have lost 22 lbs and feel better. It is easier, but not totally easy. Just when I think I have this down, I get antsy. I do too much fruit. I worry that I will go back to sugar and have to start all over again!

I have to work on my fruit intake. I wrote to my two sugar free experts, David Vanadia http://www.vanadia.com/stopbeingsweet/about/ and Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.com/ about my current fruit situation. They both said to chill. I am not going hog wild on processed sugars. I am simply trying to find my new balance. They said that I am in a new stage of managing my carbs. David suggested that I start baking natural sugar free food. I found a great website for that uses agave nectar in place of sugar.

http://alteredplates.blogspot.com/

Agave Nectar: A natural liquid sweetener extracted (without chemicals) from the Agave plant. Comprised largely of fructose, agave nectar does not spike your blood sugar levels and is absorbed gradually by your system. Its delicious taste and reduced calories/carbohydrates make it an ideal sweetener for individuals concerned with limiting sugar intake.

I made some oatmeal cookies with agave and my daughter loved them. I did not like them at all. Once you have great oatmeal cookies, you can't go back!I will keep at it! Agave is excellent, though. I can put a touch in my iced tea and that help me through a sweet need moment. I will experiment with different recipes until I get many that will help me not feel deprived.

As far as my September goals, I have not exercised yet, I have not cut back on fruit yet, not in bed by 11:15, but I am still on course. I will think about putting exercise in soon. I am still really tired from not enough sleep and the start of a new school year. I know, if I exercise, I won't be as tired. I will get there. Who are your resources that help you though this journey?

Slippery Slope

2008-09-12T21:21:00.001-07:00

I was hoping that it would not happen, but it is getting clearer that I am using fruit like my sugar drug. When I was using sugar, I had to have something sweet after every meal (except breakfast) and also for snacks. If I did not have that fix, I would get panicky. Well, I can't seem to handle my fruit right now. Here is what is happening:

1. I am having a Starbucks Vivanno everyday (orange, banana, mango smoothy with protein powder, green tea boost and milk). I thought it was a dream come true, no processed sugar, low cal-250 and made with great ingredients. Now I can't focus unless I know when I am going to have this.

2. I am abusing Larabars and Cliff Nectar bars. These are nut and date, sugar free bars that are very tasty. They are healthy, but pack a sugar fix after lunch and dinner. I went from having one or two a week, to two or three a day. The pecan pie Larabar tastes like oatmeal cookie dough. It is divine! Check out their website. These bars are actually really healthy, but are they good for me?

3. I had a sugar free decaf frosty. I broke my coffee rule! I know, it was decaf and it tasted like antifreeze, but I still ingested chemicals that I think are horrible for my body. I did throw over half of it away.

Here is the catch, I am still losing 2lbs a week. I am still able to abuse fruit and lose, which has allowed me to get to this state. Then, I get ticked. I have given up so many foods that I like and now, I can't even have fruit!?!?!? What do you guys think? Should I just eat the bars and smoothies every now and then, or quit them too like I did processed sugar? Should I eat these things until the weight loss evens out? Help!!!

PF CHANGE

2008-09-07T20:20:00.001-07:00

I love PF Chang's Chinese food restaurant. I have not been there is a few months and so today I thought I would try it out while maintaining my sugar free lifestyle. It took me 20 minutes to try to find something I could order. Before, I had the orange peel shrimp, dessert, lettuce wraps, maybe honey glazed chicken...etc. I thought lettuce wraps might be safe. Nope-tons of sugar. Kung Po chicken? Nope. Nada. There was absolutely nothing I could eat except for a chicken chopped salad (I was not in a fish mood). Having a chicken salad at PF Chang's is not my idea of an exciting meal. I ordered it with my sugarless ice tea, brown rice and vegetarian egg roll without the yummy, sugary sauce. The chicken was like sandpaper, it was so dry. Their honey chicken was sooooooooooo juicy!! When the meal was over and my family had their delicious entrees, I actually felt satisfied that I keep my promise to myself. It felt better than any orange peeled shrimp ever tasted. What favorite food have you given up lately to support your health goal?

The Night Owl

2008-09-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know what my "deal" is, but I am not going to bed at a reasonable time. I never have! I just love, love, LOVE staying up late. I get a burst of energy and get some things done but I also just WASTE unbelievable time on the computer or t.v. Then, I don't get centered in my life because I am too tired to take care of things that need attention like the huge pile of laundry that I have left. I have someone come to clean once a week and my room has been such a disaster that I have told her to skip it (you would think that if I had someone in to clean, I would be centered). If I am not centered, I do not cook, I choose to eat out or pick up food that is not as healthy. I have wasted a lot of food in my fridge that way. Also, I am too tired to get on the dusty elliptical. So, I have tackled my most difficult challenge-sugar, but getting enough sleep is right up there. Maybe it is my most difficult challenge. So, here is my new deal...today, I am going to get centered for the week. I will go to bed no later than 11:30 and work out just two days this week. What are you going to do to get centered for this week?

I Don't Know What is Different...

2008-09-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

I was doing my usual meet and greet in the morning at my school today, and a parent walked up to me and gave me a hug. She said, "I don't know what is different about you, but you look fantastic." Now, that is the mojo I was talking about yesterday. I really don't look fantastic, but I certainly look better because I am out of my sugar fog. I have more confidence and more fun. I am certainly less touchy. I am acting more intentional and not reacting. I had a great start of the school year. It did not go off without "challenges." I had one irrate (former)parent verbally abuse me. Principals get that often, but I have not had to deal with this much at my school. Last year, that would have sent me sprinting into my office to find my stash of chocolate to soothe my rattled heart. Last year, and all the years previous, I stocked up on emergency treats right before school started. If I was out of candy, I would roam and ask teachers if they had any chocolate. Someone usually did and that gave me a sense of calm to move through the enormous stress that I feel as a principal.

This year, I just let the terrible comments bounce right off of me and into the gutter where they belong. I am not taking that toxic junk into my body. As for the stress eating, I seem to have some grace. I am able to chill and not over do it. I have to be careful with fruit and make sure that does not turn into a sugar fix. So far, so good! Thanks for your comments! I appreciate you checking in!!
J

Getting My Mojo Back

2008-09-03T00:43:00.000-07:00

When you weigh as much as I do, it is easy to lose your mojo. Little by little, you stop doing the extra things that make you feel good about yourself. There are few clothing options. I am not a big fan of Lane Bryant. The clothes feel cheap to me, even though they can be really expensive. I think they also cater to teens who are overweight. I am not a fan of the empire waist with my current tummy. Actually, I don't think that looks good on anyone. I certainly would hate to be a celebrity and have photogs try to guess if you are pregnant or not in a shirt that looks like a maternity dress. I digress...So, since I have been feeling better about the fact that I am actually going to do this thing, I notice that I am accessorizing, getting manicures, pedicures and spending a fortune on clothes that I hope will not fit me in a few months. J Jill has lovely clothes and they have amazing sales. I appreciate their size 4x. My other fav Nordstrom does not carry 4x and I am not quite in 3x for everything yet. I am faking it until I make it. In other words, I am trying to feel great about my appearance even though I have well over 100lbs to lose. What do you do to get your mojo back?

P.S. Two of my teachers have commented about how good I am looking these days. Nice to hear.
P.S.S. I weighed in and I am hovering around 20lbs lost.

My First 30 Days

2008-08-29T20:06:00.000-07:00

My journey in weight loss started one month ago. Here is a summary of the changes that have happened so far:
* My crazy cravings for sugar are GONE
* I have not eaten any refined sugar in 30 days and don't really think about it
* I seem to be in a better, more hopeful mood
* I have lost approximately 20 lbs (depending on the mood of my crazy scale)
* Overall, I am making much better food choices by eating almost all organic, non processed food. I have an occasional fast food salad (sans sugary dressing of course!)
* I am dressing better, and taking better care of myself
* I am so much more confident about actually doing this

My goals for the next 30 days are:
* I will lose 8 lbs
* I will go to bed no later than 11:15
* I will monitor my fruit intake so I do not start to crave fruit.
* I will get on the elliptical at least once a week. (I know that seems ridiculously easy, but I want to meet these goals and build on them.)

There you have it! Thanks for checking in on me and also for your great comments. You have helped more than you know on this adventure!

J

Mini Miracle

2008-08-27T00:41:00.000-07:00

I am back from my staff retreat and had no desire to eat the:
chocolate cake, boatloads of candy, cinnamon rolls, cobbler, apple pie and sooo much more. I just didn't even want it. THAT is a miracle! I did not pine away for it either. Last year, I would have eaten everything and gone back for more when no one was looking. I would have thought about when I could get my next hit of sugar. This time, I was making sure I did not eat hidden sugars in the meals. The best miracle was (TMI alert) that after two years of not having a period, I had one, after one month of being off sugar. I have PCOS and it shreds my reproductive health. The only way to manage it, is to be off sugar. Having my period is one step closer to homeostasis. I am feeling confident that I can do this. By the way, my little sugar free muffins were a huge help! I brought enough of my own food that I did not feel deprived at all. My next step is to sleep. I am getting about 5 hours of sleep and that just does not cut it. This night person needs an intervention!

Planning Ahead

2008-08-23T19:56:00.001-07:00

I am getting ready to go to my staff retreat tomorrow and I am really planning ahead so that I have options for sugar free food. It is a camp like atmosphere with food made from scratch. It is delicious, but dangerous for my new sugar free way to be. Tomorrow morning, I am going to make an oat bran muffin recipe that is only sweetened with a banana. I can tolerate fruit because it does not seem to spike my blood sugar and make me go crazy for sugar. I will enjoy some tea and a muffin, as opposed to a huge stack of homemade buttermilk pancakes. Their cinnamon rolls are another story!!!!!!!!!!! Hmmmmm. I need to get a good replacement for that, stat!

I Hate My New Scale!

2008-08-19T01:24:00.001-07:00

I don't hate it for the high weight reading. I hate it because I get several different numbers if I step on it multiple times. Yikes! I think I have lost over 12 lbs, but I am not confident of that accuracy. Help! Do you love your scale? What are the best scales?

Shift My Focus

2008-08-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

Daily, I walk past my "home gym" room that usually doubles as a storage area for laundry (see the ab cruncher). Most of the time, I shut the door because I don't want to feel guilty about my cool, new elliptical that I have used maybe 6 times. I even have an excellent ipod stereo. Have I used it? NO! I knew I needed to get a grip, so I emailed Lynn Bering (one of my personal heroes). I asked her about the idea of waiting to exercise until I reach a plateau to I could rev up my metabolism. She had a very wise response. Lynn does not equate exercise with weight loss. She sees it as two separate issues. Lynn looks at exercise as a major component to health. That makes so much sense! I want to be a fit, healthy person. I eat mainly organic, non processed, sugar free food. If I can do that, I can take the next step and get on these dusty machines!

The other concept that I read this week was from Mr. Low Body Fat's Blog about "Are You An Exerciser Or An Athlete" by Charles Stayley. I don't know if it is the Olympics that are getting to me, but I would rather train, than exercise. I have set the goal that I will take tennis when I get under 200. Now, I am going to train for that day. My goal this week is to train three days. I will keep you posted on my progress. Thanks for checking in on my blog! I love your comments.

Joy

Kissing Up

2008-08-16T01:01:00.000-07:00

We all know that in Junior High School, girls usually go through a friendship betrayal that is so hurtful that you can still feel it today. Sugar is that junior high school friend. This so called friend, did the equivalent of stealing my boyfriend! Sugar stole my baby (to be). Sugar destroyed my reproductive health. I have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and never was able to get pregnant. Had I gotten off of sugar and had I lost the 171lbs, I would have had a much better shot at having a baby. Sugar took my calm, confidence and self respect. Yet, I kept the friendship going because it filled a need. Well, yesterday, my former friend was trying to kiss up.

Sugar wanted to reach out. I starting to bargain. I began to think we might be friends, just a little. Maybe, I can have a little honey. Maybe, I will have a mocha (sugar free). Maybe,I will have a sugar free cookie. One of my goals in this entire journey was to eat whole, unprocessed foods. I don't want any sugar alcohol in my body. I had overcome that need to replace my favorites with sugar free impostors. Yesterday, I was about ready to spend a fortune of chemicals to get that much closer to my bud, sugar. Eventually, I would want to slip in a bit of sugar, 'cause I can handle it. Ah, no, I can't handle sugar just like an alcoholic can't handle a drink.

You know, I am older and wiser now. The relational aggression just does not fly with me anymore and that includes my old friend, sugar. What I know for sure, is that I am a very loyal friend. This time, I will be loyal to myself. I will go back to my feeling of being unstoppable and kick sugar to the curb.

Focus

2008-08-15T01:55:00.000-07:00

I am glued to the Olympics and am fanatical about gymnastics. I watch the gymnasts and you can just see their focus or lack there of, the moment they begin their routine. Over the last three weeks, I have had Olympian focus. Not a granule of sugar has passes over my lips, yet today, I had the equivalent of a shaky balance beam routine. I was not really planned, I did not eat enough early on and I was starting to bargain. I thought, "maybe I will have a sugar free decaf mocha." Well, number one, I am off of mochas, sugar free or not. I would have screwed up my streak. Number two, I don't want to eat alternative sugars because they are just not healthy. I spent about two hours being flustered and trying not to get down because I can't eat like everyone else. Well, I guess I can eat like everyone else. I just abuse sugar and weigh 299. It is interesting that today I was faltering because yesterday, I was starting to dream about my future because I was feeling so confident that I could actually do this. Well, I did not blow it, did not get the mocha and I am going to "stick this landing."

Momentum

2008-08-13T00:36:00.000-07:00

So I was in Target yesterday and a little boy told his mom, "that lady is pregnant." Now let me tell you, if I had heard that a few years ago, when I could not get pregnant and was overweight, I would have been devastated. If I had heard that a month ago, I would have been depressed. This time, I just walked it off. I know that I have momentum, and I will take care of business with my weight.

My first big test of my focus was last night. I hosted a baby shower complete with my favorite foods. We had mini cupcakes, pulled pork sandwiches, meatballs, caramel dip (I made that one)with apples, fruit salad and much more. I had a ball at the party and at no sugar. I did not even miss it because the fruit is now sweet enough for me. I planned ahead to be fullish before the party started. Before, I would have had a pulled pork sandwich, a ton of caramel dip, a ton of the cupcakes. Because they are small, I would have justified that four, equalled one regular cupcake. I probably would have eaten eight and snagged a few when people were not looking. My focus would have been on the food, in almost a panic, about not getting enough of my favorites. I would have saved the left over caramel dip and eaten it while spralled on the couch, watching late night stupid T.V.

Because I am getting the sugar out of my system, it was not difficult to choose some fruit, and a few corn chips. I was okay. I did not die because I "missed out." I was much more present and really enjoyed my friends. I am almost at the 10lb weight loss. My clothes are starting to fit better and now I am going to start saying goodbye to scale benchmarks. I have momentum because I believe in myself. Before, I never would have believed that I would but the bowl and beater in the sink so fast if made my head spin! I put dish soap all over the caramelly delight. It was gone so fast that I had no time to think about eating it. All of these little choices come together to give me a cushion of calm, unlike the "calm" I thought sugar provided. What strenghthens your momentum?

Goin' With the Flow!

2008-08-10T00:25:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that I put on the dreaded swim suit and braved the water park with my daughter. Here is our favorite area, "the river." I have done an inner tube river before at Disney, but this one was different because you are propelled without a floaty. It is just you and some powerful water jets. The turns are really fun because it whirls you around really fast and you feel a bit out of control. You just have to let go and enjoy the flow. The water is only waist deep and you can walk the river, if you don't want to go let go.

Right now, as I start my third week living sugar free, I feel like I am on one of the turns on the river. It is actually fun because I am just going with the acceptance that this is what has to happen. I don't miss chocolate right now, which is a huge miracle. Before, I would be a crazy person if I did not have several chocolate options available to me if I was stressed, sad, happy or just fine. To navigate the "rapids," (sorry, I could not resist)I have to have a few things in place:

* I have to have a meal plan together

* Make sure I have lots of healthy food choices available in my kitchen

* I cannot over do agave nectar or it will turn into another sugar addiction

* I have to eat foods that do not feel like deprivation

* Make sure I don't wig out if the scale is up a bit after the big loss.

* Embrace the journey because there will be ups and downs.

* Don't fail to plan so you don't plan to fail.

For the first time in YEARS, I am excited about the fact that I can actually do this. I have hope. Before, I never quite believed myself because I tried so many times. I know that I built my confidence with small victories like giving up mochas and diet coke. Right now, I am going to let go and be in the moment.

* It is not about perfection.

Day 18 of Being Sugar Free

2008-08-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

Whhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooo HOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo! I am feeling great! I actually had to look at my calendar to see how long it has been. I am quite proud of myself, but best of all, I am starting to feel more confident and hopeful. I feel better in my own body. Oh, and did I mention that I have lost 9 lbs? The first few days were really difficult. I have gone though a series of emotions ranging from anxious to relief. Now, I am in a smooth pattern and that is do to the fact that I have organized my kitchen to support what I am trying to do. Before, everything was so crammed in my fridge (some scary, furry food was stuck in the back) and cabinets, that it was a huge hassle to get to what I needed. I did a big toss and only have food that will support my life goal. I dumped out items like corn syrup that I used to make homemade marshmallows last Christmas. I recycled an entire blue container with packaging that came from sugar foods that were still in my house. Even if the sugar was in the counter, I would still be okay because, the cravings are gone! THAT IS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A few weeks back, I was like a caged animal if I did not have some form of chocolate in my house. Now I basically eat whatever I want except that it can't have sugar. No points needed at this point. I am sure that down the road, I will have to cut back and structure what I am eating. I have been eating "real foods" that are mainly organic. My next challenge is to make more of my favorite foods in a sugar free way.

I am feeling so good that got into my swim suit (not a pretty site at all at the moment) and went to a swim park with my daughter! That, my friends, is progress.

Good Grief!?!

2008-08-01T23:33:00.000-07:00

I am on day 5 of my sugarless lifestyle. Day two was the easiest so far. My day one headache was not too bad the second day. Day three felt like I was on a train to crazy town, craving sugar like a maniac. Day four and five have brought up some emotions that are associated with the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief. Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss (career, freedom, money). This also includes the death of a loved one, divorce, addiction, or infertility. Kübler-Ross also stated that these steps do not necessarily come in the order, or are all steps experienced by all individuals, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. The stages are:
Denial-I can really handle my sugar. If I just got back on my program, I can totally control this.
Anger- Why do I have to give up sugar! It is unfair! Why can't I eat like everyone else?
Bargaining-Okay, I guess I have to give up sugar, but I will eat sugar free items that I know are terrible and not good for me. I just will eat sugar free candy and cakes.
(This is where I am right now. I went to a low carb store and bought expensive sugar free items that taste horrible and are no better for me than sugar. They will have the same effect. I already tossed out two items that I hated.) Here is a hilarious take on the bargaining stage. This is a fantastic site for support for a sugar free life. http://www.stopbeingsweet.com/comments/what_about_alternative_sweeteners/

I thought that the sugar-free cocoa sandies and the sugar-free chocolate caramels were the answer. I tried them both today and felt like I had a grenade in my belly! The taste was so, so but the "maltitol" is a horrible sugar alcohol that is not much lower in the glycemic index. Just another step in this stage. I just can't eat this stuff! These two items are also bound for the trash. I don't feel well after eating the at all, but I just had to try!
Depression-I realize that the bargaining only prolongs the inevitable. I am a person that cannot tolerate sugar and be a healthy, vital individual living my best life. I grieve the loss of sugar here. No Halloween candy, no Christmas treats, no chocolate chip cookies out of the oven , no dough! NO DOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is what I call depression!
Acceptance-After feeling not facing the truth, being mad about the situation, trying to work around it and being seriously depressed, I realize this is what has to happen. I can now really embrace what no sugar means in my life and look at the positive side.

I don't know how long I will be in the bargaining stage. This is no fun, but I can feel my cravings becoming less severe. I know I can do this! Thanks for checking in!!!

Day 1 Without Sugar

2008-07-28T22:39:00.000-07:00

At 2:46 exactly, the headache started!! Yea! It is working. My former sugar buddy is ticked that we are not a team anymore. I was at a stop light and happened to look at the clock and the next minute, the headache started and got stronger. BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really am focused on a new way to nurture. I started the day off with Yoga. I could only do a small part because of my knees (I fell on cat barf that I could not see, in the garage) that were still bruised. Yoga felt really good. Each day, I will do more and more. I had plenty of really good, tasty sugar free things around. I even was mindful of my taco. All taco seasoning has hidden sugar, so I made my own! It was really delish! I followed my plan exactly (except for the part about getting to bed at 10:00)-that will have to come in a week or two. I am shooting for 11:00 so I better run. Tomorrow and the next day will have KILLER headaches. Go me!

Preparation S

2008-07-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

Monday is the day I give up sugar (at least until Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). As you know, I have been preparing for this undertaking. I finally made peace with the fact that I do not "do" sugar like most people and it does not "do" me like it does other people. Sugar took my fertility. That alone should be reason enough to dump this "so called friend." My PCOS is largely related to sugar and is a vicious cycle.

I am finally in the acceptance stage that I can no longer fool myself that sugar can be in my life. I have taken several days to research the best way to remove it. I have read books, blogs and really though about what to do. Two excellent resources were a blog called: My Sugar Shock Story http://www.vanadia.com/stopbeingsweet/about/ and an amazing blog devoted to thinking about our personal balance called http://www.firstourselves.com/ Karly Randolph Pitman wrote the best ibook called Overcoming Sugar Addiction. Every paragraph had something important to say. I feel like now I have a good idea about what to do to finally get a grip about how I want to live the rest of my life. I started to remove sugar from the house. I just tossed it all in the trash! Then I went to Whole Foods to get some really great non sugar foods that are healthy. I had a farewell sugar cavalcade today. I really didn't even like it. I was shoveling in sugar for the sake of shoveling in sugar on my last day. Not very satisfying at all. I can't wait to start this. If you have read my blog, this is a huge step. I have made a very detailed plan of my day to include snacks and exercise/yoga. Speaking of Yoga, I got a DVD of "Yoga Just My Size" and it seems great. I really want to do Yoga but was always too out of shape to even attempt it. Yoga is just one aspect of my new nuturing ways. I bought a great salt scrub and will make two massage appointments. One massage after the first seven days and then after 21 days. I have water aerobics scheduled for next week. I will let you know how all of this goes!

Deep Down, I Know What I Have To Do!

2008-07-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

I have been messing around and really not done a good job on WW at all. It is for one simple reason, I CANNOT MANAGE MY SUGAR! I keep telling myself that I will get back on the wagon. I will do better with points. The bottom line is that unless I eliminate sugar, I will always battle the addiction. It will always sabotage my success. During the last few days, I have been doing a lot of reading about how to remove sugar from my diet. There are lots of ideas out there. I have found two very interesting points of view that I am investigating. I know that right now, even a little bit of sugar makes me nutty. It has ruined my reproductive health (PCOS), and caused a huge weight gain. The truth is that sugar is not my friend. Unfortunately, it sure soothes me. My daughter just had a challenging time going to bed and was testing. What did I do, polish off ice cream. It calmed me down. Most normal folks don't abuse sugar the way I do. I need it after almost every meal. I had most of my junk out of the house and I was rummaging through my daughters old Halloween candy leftovers that nobody likes (including me), but it was a fix, in a pinch. I have gone off of sugar before cold turkey and it was HORRIBLE! This time, I have a plan. It is going to be filled with a different type of comfort. I am going to dedicate days to deal with the pain of it all. Summer is a perfect time to do this. I am aiming for Wednesday of next week. I will keep you posted with the details to follow.

Sugar Sabotage

2008-07-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how I am binging. We did a tea party and got a few "Little Debbie" cakes that taste like wax and I am downing them! They are hideous! I continue to buy sugar at the store and hope that I will stay within my points, but have stopped even logging. I think I need a sugar intervention. I worry if I go off of sugar, I will rebel. I have to get a grip. I am not doing well at all!

Down Three...Up Two. Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-15T10:42:00.001-07:00

I was down three pounds last week and gained two back. I have one pound loss for two weeks. For the last three days, I was completely off program and it is a miracle that I did not gain even more. What is my problem??????????????????????????????????????????????//

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2008-07-11T22:50:00.001-07:00

I was reading Lynn's blog about disappointment and how she just felt the feelings and did not eat through them. That is something that I struggle with from time to time. Today, I had a stressful mommy day and I simply went to my drug, food, to calm me. I did not over do it and still ate within my points, but it was deliberate. Had I just become calm and felt the irritation, I would have been better able soothe without food. That was the ugly. The "bad "was that I did not really plan well for my food today and am tempted to eat something late at night. I will try to work thorough that feeling. The good was that I made healthier food choices for dinner. I had spinach linguini with turkey spaghetti sauce, organic salad and whole grain bread. In the old days, I would have gone off the deep eating abiss because of the earlier stress of the day. I was pleased about that. My next goal is to clean out the excess in my cupboards. I don't know what is shoved behind food and I am not completely centered for planning. Keep you posted!

Back On Track!

2008-07-11T01:08:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, I let it rip and ate all kinds of food way beyond my points. I did not even keep a journal of my food yesterday. My old pattern of behavior would have been to blow off the whole week since I am sure I have not points left. Instead, I followed the plan and got to work. I did my journal, walked and even had a Dairy Queen Blizzard in my plan. It was within my points (I don't think I will spend my points on that again-12 points for a small!) Since my goal is to lose only 6 lbs per month, I am not stressing out that I may gain this week because of my beach trip extravagance. I was also able to keep going on one of my ultimate goals, which is to eventually adopt more vegetarian way of eating. My mini goal is to eat vegetarian once a week. I made a veggie burger and really could not tell the difference. It was delicious on a whole grain bun. Tomorrow will be even better. I am going to do this!

A Loss, and Then Another Loss!

2008-07-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

July 1st started my getting serious journey. I lost 3lbs the first week. The next day, I was up two and today, I ate like a maniac! What up with that? I have to figure this out!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am back on program tomorrow. I think I get thrown when I am out of my routine. I was at the beach all day and ate like I usually do on those fun summer beach trips. I still have a lot of time left this week (my weigh in is Tuesdays), so I will rally and pull it together. Keep ya posted!

Hunger!

2008-07-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

Since I have gotten serious, I have felt hungry. I know that is not the most earth shattering news, but I have not really noticed before that I have not been hungry. I think at the slightest moment that I was uncomfortable, I would immediately eat. Now, I am planning better and eating less. I am going to be early and not eating late. I feel like I am on a roll now!

2008-07-01T21:35:00.001-07:00

2008-07-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-01T19:29:00.000-07:00

July 1, 2008 begins the journey! I feel great about my food choices today and I followed the plan well. No fudging. Lynn and so many bloggers are my inspiration. I am almost there, believing that I can do this. I have kept my promise to myself regarding diet drinks and mochas. I don't even miss them now. When I get to 199 (onederland), I am going to treat myself to tennis lessons. When I get within 50 lbs of my goal of 129, I want to start the vegetarian transformation, as well as a sugar purge. I do a pretty good job with organics right now, so that is good. I want to do this slowly, without deprivation. My ultimate goal is to reach my goal on my 45th birthday. That way, I can average about 6lbs a month (which I think is workable) and also look forward to getting older. Yeah me! I am on my way to reaching and more importantly sustaining my goal weight. That for me will take a total transformation.

Invisible Boundaries

2008-06-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

Today, I started back with my points and I did really well. I realized that I usually start on Tuesday, and the WW calendar is messed up. My official start back date is tomorrow, July 1st. So, I blew off my points in the evening and over ate. I had a headache and tried to numb the pain with sugar (usually works). Tomorrow, I am on it. My invisible boundary is so ridiculous. I suppose that if I was really ready and on my game, I would not need to play those games. Yikes!

One Step Back

2008-06-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

I started off well this morning. I made sure I had breakfast. I probably had too much and started to stress about the lack of points. I did not feel well the whole day. I was having anxiety about my weight and getting some tragic disease because of all of the sugar I was eating. Why that does not prevent me from eating sugar, I don't know! I had a healthy dinner but capped it off with chocolate chip cookie dough (a ton) as well as three cookies. The good news is that I recorded all of it and plan to not throw in the towel for the rest of the week, which is good for my all or nothing attitude. Part of the problem was that my fridge was not organize and I did not really see what I had to eat and it was not pleasant to gather good food. I cleaned out the fridge and am ready for a better day tomorrow. The blogs that I am reading are so helpful because I am learning that everyone has set backs, but you have to start again right away. Here I go!

One small step...

2008-06-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

Today is the first real day back on program. I skipped breakfast (like usual) and went to Carl's Jr for lunch. As I pulled up to the drive through, thoughts in my mind were all about blowing off today and starting again tomorrow. I was thinking about some poor food choices that were tasty. I asked myself, "just for fun, what would be the best choice here?" I went with a chicken salad, non sweetened ice tea and a cookie. Usually, I would go for three cookies, get a chicken sandwich with bacon and cheese, and a squirt. I made the better choice and felt good. The cookie was CRAZY high in points! It was 8 points! The cookie wasn't even that good! I think I have to coach myself each meal to ask what would the be the better choice. It is almost is like parenting my four year old. "Would you like this choice or that choice? Would you like to keep your promise to yourself or not?" The rest of the day was on program and I do not feel deprived. My game plan for tomorrow is to not skip breakfast and follow the program. One small step for becomming smaller!

Pre Day?

2008-06-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, today started off well! I recorded what I ate, had a good breakfast and lunch and then I let the all or nothing mentality get in the way. I had too many trigger foods and I just let it rip. I am wondering what to do about this sugar addiction. Would it be better to get off sugar before going on WW? I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!! Thoughts?

Monday, June 23, 2008

2008-06-22T00:59:00.000-07:00

So far, I have been trying to discover what will actually get me on the final path of sustained weightloss. Tomorrow, it all starts. Why tomorrow? Why not the first of July? That seems like a tidy start? It is kind of like when, in Harry Met Sally he says that when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now. I am ready. I first thought that July would be the start. Waiting felt like the same old procrastination/deprivation cycle. Pushing it back just a little bit, sounded good. I was thinking to myself, well when then? I actually started to get excited. What if I started on Monday? What if I could really do this! Why wait? Take Sunday to make sure I was well stocked with great food that would support this journey. A couple things gave me the confidence to feel like this will work:
* keeping my word to myself about giving up diet coke and mochas-I think that when you gain so much and keep breaking promises to yourself, deep down, you won't believe yourself when you start something new. Giving up mochas for 6 weeks seems like a trivial thing, but it really made me feel like I could give up other things. I could keep my promise. I could actually do this.
* starting to meditate-that will help me quiet my mind and focus. I downloaded some meditation podcasts. I need to quiet my mind and not stress eat.

Some challenges that I need to pick off are:
* trigger foods
* the all or nothing mentality.

I will work on those two for a bit. I will keep you posted!

Small Changes

2008-05-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

So I started this blog to document what it is like before the motivation to finally lose the weight once and for all. I am interested in what finally does the trick because I have been down this road, one, too many times ever take this journey again. I am at the point that I don't quite believe that I can actually do it. I decided to make some small changes that do not feel like complete deprivation, yet would make a difference. The most important thing for me is, to build trust in myself again to mean what I say regarding my focus on health. In all other areas, I keep my word to myself. This ONE area in my buggaboo!

Small change number one, was to get off all diet drinks containing Aspartame. I have successfully done that and really do not miss it, except for going to the movies. The much more difficult small change was giving up my Starbucks extra caramel, Caramel Macchiato. I have had a headache from caffeine withdrawl for about a week. My headache is better today. It took all of my strength not to just pull over and order my 39 gram, 300 calorie, $3.80 drink! I did the math and I was spending over $100.00 a month on this stuff! That is over 1k a year! That is 2,100 calories a week, 8,400 calories a month. I have really been proud of myself for keeping my word. Knowing that I am accountable for my blog helps too. Besides, with these gas prices, I will need the extra dough to fill up my car.

Letting Myself Go...

2008-05-19T02:04:00.000-07:00

How could I have let myself go? I let stress go overboard. I was unsuccessfully trying to become pregnant for over a year with crazy fertility shots. Fertility stress could send anyone over the edge. I had never been so strung out in my life. Being a principal of not one, but two schools also did it. Becoming a mom, finally, with an hour's notice of the arrival of my baby-that can do it. All of these reasons are the catalyst for my spiral into serious obesity. I still do not have an handle on the stress. How will I cope with big stresses better?

One thing that is going well is keeping my word to myself.. I let myself go...without mochas and diet coke. I am thrilled that I can believe myself that I can do these small things. The next one is a reasonable bed time. As you can see it is 2:13 on a school night! Summer will be a killer for that lifestyle change. I can feel myself getting ready to let myself go... to bed early. I will keep ya posted!

Keeping My Word to Myself

2008-05-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

I think part of my struggle to make a permanent change in weightloss is that I have tried and failed so many times that I don't quite believe that I can go the distance. One thing I am trying to do is to make small changes and keep my promise. One thing I started with, was giving up Diet Coke because of the toxic aspertame. I have done a really good job with that and have not had a Diet Coke for about three months. For the past few days I have been in Seattle for work where ice cold Diet Coke is everywhere. It would have been very easy to slip up. I have kept my promise to myself. I have a tad more confidence that I can try another thing. I have not had my sugar fest morning caramel mocciatto (sp) for the past few days and I have not really missed it. I spend over $1,3oo.00 on coffee each year. think of that in terms of clothes that I could have had with that money! Isn't that CRAZY! I think I could be fine with tea, like a good green tea. So, that is it-my next promise to myself. No coffee drinks. I will keep ya posted!

What is it?

2008-05-10T00:26:00.000-07:00

What is the thing that finally sets you free from this weight? I am so inspired the blogs and posts from people who have lost the weight for good. Lynn has completely changed how she eats forever. I want to get there too but have not found the "thing" that makes me keep my promise to myself. I have tried it all! I know WW is the best structure for me. You would think that:
* being well for my daughter would be enough
* not having to worry about sitting in a booth at a restaurant would be enough
* not seeing old friends for fear that the shock on their faces would make me too sad
* putting off living my fullest life because I don't have the energy
* worry about fitting into rides at Disneyland (I skipped the tea cups with my daughter)
* never having to hear a child on the street say, "you're really fat."
* having to sit thought a first aid class with my staff and hear all about how obesity kills and feeling so uncomfortable for them and for me
* wearing the same black skirt over and over would do it for me
* not wearing the fun clothes
* seeing the look of judgement on people's faces

Enought wallowing. But really, all of these, especially the most important first one, should do the trick. Why isn't it? More than anything, I want to be around for my daughter. I think ultimately that I am worried that after the meal replacement, Jenny Craig, no carb, sugar free diets, I don't trust myself to follow through. I want this to be the last time. How do a make my own dream come true?

Thank you Debby and Lynn

2008-05-06T19:56:00.001-07:00

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the insight from someone who has been there. Debby many inspirational words that I will put into action. Thank you to Lynn who has inspired this blog and my start. I am really getting close!

Not So Great Eight...

2008-05-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am still not there to sustain any motivation. It is crazy! I am a smart person. I have a great career. I have every aspect of my life going well. I don't want to start and then quit again. I can't do it to myself not to follow through with this weightloss issue. I feel like I am in a sea of behaviors that I am unwilling to fix for some reason. Here are eight patterns that I need to fix:
* an all or nothing attitude
* sugar addiction
* not enough sleep because I refuse to go to bed at a reasonable time
* refusal to be deprived
* allowing trigger foods in the house
* procrastination
* lack of exercise
* unable to stick to plan
Where do I start? Do I take one thing at a time or do I go full force. Advice??! I have to get this handled!

2:04 AM

2008-04-27T02:04:00.000-07:00

A huge part of why I am not taking care of my health is that I refuse to go to bed early. I am naturally a night person and get my peak awake time after 11:00. Most nights I get about 5 to 6 hours of sleep and that will defeat any weightloss goal. I need to stop it! Why do I keep staying up late doing stupid stuff?

Tiny Victories

2008-04-21T00:08:00.001-07:00

Junk Drawer After and Before...

So I went back on the Weight Watchers website and read some posts from the 100+ chat room. That was a small step. Another step was continuing my "work dance" of organization. The junk drawer is done. I know, Whoooooooooooooo HOoooooooooooooooooooo! : / It is motion forward. Just how many orphaned mittens does one person need?????????????????????????

Closet "After"

2008-04-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

It actually took less time than I thought to organize and purge the closet. It took about 3 hours. It is much more fun with a friend and some loud music. I can now look into my closet and wear everything. No messages in the morning about all of the things I used to be able to wear. My hope is that as I get more fit, I can bring in more clothes from another closet and give away clothes that are too big. Giving away clothes that are too big is another topic for another time...

I feel much better already. No, I have not dropped five pounds today. In fact, I am eating chocolate as I type. My mind is preparing though. I will keep you posted!

Love, Joy

Does My Closet Make My Butt Look Big?

2008-04-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to get to my closet for months and procrastinated. The more I procrastinated, the less "centered" I became. I had a mishmatch of clothes that I could wear, clothes that were too small, clothes that were drab and stained, and a ton of unorganized, random crap. When the closet got to be too much, I used by bed posts as hangers. Did you see that Oprah show where the topic was hording? I am not a horder, but my closet was starting to resemble the rooms in the horder's house. The disaster closet has been a pattern for my entire life. At some point or other, my best friends would step in and help me get a handle on the mess. My best bud, Jeannie helped me today.

When I looked into my closet, I saw a sea of clothes that I wish I could wear and an overwhelming sense of visual noise. Each day, it took my energy. I was irritated that I could not quite fit into these beautiful clothes that were in front of the ones that actually fit me. Today, I had a strategy...
*Move any piece of clothing out that does not currently fit

*Give away clothes that are not attractive on me

*Toss drab or tattered clothes

*Get some bins to streamline my other stuff

Here are some before and after photos. I thought about photos after hauling out all of the clothes on the floor, so it is actually worse than pictured. I think the thing that helped me get unstuck was enlisting my friend that would not quit and sit on the counch to watch a few hours of procratination television (like what has been happening in the past). I feel so much better already. The next area is my junk drawer, laundry room, garage and excess kitchen gear. I will keep you posted!

Procrastination Station!

2008-04-20T01:38:00.001-07:00

Okay, it is 1:38 in the morning and I am procrasting going to bed because I still need to clean up the kitchen, deal with the dogs and maybe get a second wind to be inspired to clean out my closet. I am blocked and feeling uncentered. There is no chance for any type of program of weightloss to work if I am not centered. A few things that really center me are:
* A clean house, including the garage, drawers, closets, weeds, carpet, and tons of organizing bins
* Organic, tasty food from Whole Foods or Trader Joe's
* A clean purse
* A clean car
* A Costco sized amount of paper towels and toilet paper neatly put away
* Laundry all done

It is so strange that I feel that all of this needs to be taken care of for me to focus on weightloss. Are these excuses or is there something to organization being a reason for motivation? That new book by Peter Walsh, Does Clutter Make My Butt Look Big might be on to something. We will see!

Other issues are:
Not enought sleep
Eating trigger foods
all or nothing thoughts
Being too tired to get off of the couch

We will see how these issues get handled as I move forwar.

What centers you? Love, Joy

Before the Beginning

2008-04-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

This is a rare photo of me. I have banished all photos of me for several years now because of my huge weight gain. You may be wondering why I would post this on a blog. I love Lynn Bering's Blog about her weightloss and it has inspired me greatly. My problem right now is that I have no motivation. I am thinking that if I start a blog before I was motivated to lose the weight, I might help someone else who is struggling. I have about 168 lbs to lose at this point. That is my best guess for now. I will keep you posted. Love, Joy